It’s been two weeks since Amy took her final breath. I’m not sure if I’m even processing anything at this point. I’m OK if no one mentions you. As long as no one reminds me of how long we’ve known each other or how much of a loss we've suffered.
Honestly, I’m not in a hurry to grieve. It’s not the kind of grief where you can cry for a few days and then get back to your life. This is the kind of grief that will live with me forever. Some days are harder than others. Some days I think I’m OK and then it hits me like a ton of bricks. A song that reminds me of you. A flooding of memories both happy and heavy. The amazing trips we took together. All the trips we will never take.
For the last 7 years, I’ve grieved as I've helplessly watched ALS deteriorate her body. And somehow that grief wasn’t fair to her because she was still here. Her mind fully awake and her spirit still fiery. She just couldn’t tell us. I tried to keep going and offer comfort during the long transition to death. But now that she's gone, I find myself grieving for the woman she was before the disease.
A piece of my heart went with Amy and pieces of her will remain within me for the rest of my life. I try so hard to remember her voice by watching old videos. I’ve been digging through old pictures, remembering how intertwined our lives have always been. Wondering who knows me now that she's gone. Regretting the years we weren’t together physically and worlds apart.
But then I think of the tattoos we got together years ago to symbolize our friendship. 'Anam Cara' - an old celtic language meaning soul friend. Finding your soul friend is a blessing that no amount of time or space can change.
“This friendship was an act of recognition and belonging… The Celtic understanding did not set limitations of space or time on the soul. There is no cage for the soul. The soul is a divine light that flows into you and into your Other,” John O’Donohue writes about Anam Cara. “In this love you are understood as you are without mask or pretension… Where you are understood, you are at home.”
Amy and I had a deep understanding of each other without having to say a word. Nothing had to be explained because we’ve lived it together. From daycare, gymnastics, cheerleading, basketball, boys, school dances, vacations, births, deaths, weddings, heartbreaks - we witnessed it all side by side.
I’m not saying our friendship was perfect. Of course we had disagreements and hurt feelings at times. Of course we were different in many ways. Both stubborn. Both adventurous with an aversion for difficult emotions. A fear of death and a love of living life as much as we could.
I could never talk her out of a bad decision. I just had to love her through it. She could never convince me to stay close by. She just loved me wherever my life took me and savored the moments we could be together. Amy was more than a best friend, she was family. Her family was my family and my family was hers.
I loved her goofiness and her laugh. I loved that she made me do things outside my comfort zone. I loved that I was one of the few people who got to witness her vulnerability. I love all the firsts we were able to share together. I loved her style and her confidence. I loved watching her be a kick-ass mom and a career woman at the same time.
I will forever be grateful I had a friendship like hers in my life. I will recognize every day what a blessing it was. Amy made me know I was loved and valued. She encouraged my talents and passions. I hope I gave her the same gifts. As my Anam Cara, I know she’s not gone. She’s always with me and I’ll continue to call on her as one of my spirit guides from the other realm.
In the days following her death, I asked her for a message, something to let me know she was still there - somewhere on the other side free from her failing body, breathing with ease, dancing like no one is watching and singing loudly. I pulled a card from my tarot deck - The Fool - an image of a young woman setting out on a new journey with a smile on her face and not a care in the world.
I sobbed. Of the 78 cards I could have chosen, Amy’s message couldn’t have been clearer. The Fool is the first of the major arcana and one of the most powerful, representing the embracing of new beginnings, expanding one’s horizons and knowing you have zero limitations and infinite possibilities. The Fool symbolizes loyalty, protection and curiosity as we embark on new adventures.
I know Amy is on a new adventure. I know she’s going to watch over me and continue to guide me through the next phase of this crazy life. To quote one of our favorite movies of all times, The Princess Bride:
“Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while.” - Westley
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